Monday, December 26, 2016

I'm 24.

Yes, I am 24 today.
26th December.
It's been 24 years Allah has lent me his life.

Dunno how I should feel right know.
But I know exactly how I feel right now.
In-denial.

I'm growing up very fast and not too soon growing old.

Whatever it is, that's life and sooner or later will end.
With all that I have today, I should be grateful and thankful to Allah.
Allah Allah.
Kecilnya dan kerdilnya diri ini bila berbicara tentangMu.

I thank everyone who never forgets to wish my birthday.
It's been a number of years already and you still wish me, that has already made me feel special and appreciated.
Thanks friends.

May this year bring me to a better version of myself.
May this year bring me to a lot of self-improvements,
May I be a better person to everyone around me.


Friday, December 23, 2016

Personality

Until whatever age we are at,
The question of 'who am I' can never be solidly answered.

I give you an analogy.
We thought we are A and perceived ourself to  be A.
But our family sees us as B.
Friends see us C.
People see us D.
Employer see us E.

Sometimes, we establish ourself as F.
Our instagram followers see us G.
Not to mention our haters,
Our colleagues,
You name it.

Even if we close our eyes before we sleep, with head sinking in the pillow,
The questions can never be answered.
It's a journey with no one single definite route.
Who's view is the most valid?

Sometimes, history haunts us too much
That we're too afraid the image might be copied
You'd rather hide your whole self inside a bkanket
And hope the time to freeze
So that you will not face something you're fear of.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Comfort zone

On one side I'm an independent woman (note that I refer myself a woman, I have to be one anyway.)
But on the other side I'm so dependent.
Today, I tried to challlenge myself.
Tried to lepak alone in Oldtown, imaginning myself reading a book or scrolling down my mobile phone screen over sips of hazelnut white coffee. Well, not sips though since I sucked my coffee with a straw. I never ordered hot coffee. Yes I love coffee but my version of coffee is always iced.
I went off track again.
My plan was to wait for my sister until she finished her work, soo that would be like around 3-4 hours of me-time in Oldtown.
But ended up, I started to get overly conscious and uncomfortable and drove back.
Yes I drove back.
To some people, spending time alone is a valuable reward to oneself, but for people like me, or at least me, it's a torture.
So yeah, I failed again.
Sigh.

I ususally don't write long in a sentence.
I like to make them look nice and proportianate.
But I don't know why I can't seem to make it for this post.
Oh hey! That just means I have at least gone out of my comfort zone.
*smirk*

Monday, December 19, 2016

Never ending battle

It's really suffocating battling with our ownself.
You have to follow your brain but your heart's thumping wanting the other thing.
And you have to know what's nafsu and what's intuition.
And of course to weigh them all with your sane rationality.

Nobody knows what someone is actually going tnrough.
Bestfriends, best bestfriends, or even special friends, they might know some of the picture but you keep some pieces to your own little heart.
Outside, people will bash you, will talk bad about you and possibly to form a bandwagon against you.
If only they know the truth.
You never wish to be in that situation.
The river just flows and you have no force to stop.

Good and bad becomes no difference at that point.
You just feel like being invisible that nobody sees or even remembers you anymore.
I just want a good ending.
Again, it's Allah's secret what 'good' is.