Monday, December 26, 2016

I'm 24.

Yes, I am 24 today.
26th December.
It's been 24 years Allah has lent me his life.

Dunno how I should feel right know.
But I know exactly how I feel right now.
In-denial.

I'm growing up very fast and not too soon growing old.

Whatever it is, that's life and sooner or later will end.
With all that I have today, I should be grateful and thankful to Allah.
Allah Allah.
Kecilnya dan kerdilnya diri ini bila berbicara tentangMu.

I thank everyone who never forgets to wish my birthday.
It's been a number of years already and you still wish me, that has already made me feel special and appreciated.
Thanks friends.

May this year bring me to a better version of myself.
May this year bring me to a lot of self-improvements,
May I be a better person to everyone around me.


Friday, December 23, 2016

Personality

Until whatever age we are at,
The question of 'who am I' can never be solidly answered.

I give you an analogy.
We thought we are A and perceived ourself to  be A.
But our family sees us as B.
Friends see us as C.
People see us as D.
Employer sees us as E.

Sometimes, we establish ourself as F.
Our instagram followers see us as G.
Not to mention our haters,
Our colleagues,
You name it.

Even if we close our eyes before we sleep, with head sinking in the pillow,
The questions can never be answered.
It's a journey with no one single definite route.
Who's view is the most valid?

Sometimes, history haunts us too much
That we're too afraid the image might be copied
You'd rather hide your whole self inside a bkanket
And hope the time to freeze
So that you will not face something you're fear of.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Comfort zone

On one side I'm an independent woman (note that I refer myself a woman, I have to be one anyway.)
But on the other side I'm so dependent.

Today, I tried to challlenge myself.
Tried to lepak alone in Oldtown, imaginning myself reading a book or scrolling down my mobile phone screen over sips of hazelnut white coffee. Well, not sips though since I sucked my coffee with a straw. I never ordered hot coffee. Yes I love coffee but my version of coffee is always iced.
I went off track again.

My plan was to wait for my sister until she finished her work, soo that would be like around 3-4 hours of me-time in Oldtown.
But ended up, I started to get overly conscious and uncomfortable and drove back.
Yes I drove back.
To some people, spending time alone is a valuable reward to oneself, but for people like me, or at least me, it's a torture.
So yeah, I failed again.
Sigh.

I ususally don't write long in a sentence.
I like to make them look nice and proportianate.
But I don't know why I can't seem to make it for this post.
Oh hey! That just means I have at least gone out of my comfort zone.
*smirk*

Monday, December 19, 2016

Never ending battle

It's really suffocating battling with our ownself.
You have to follow your brain but your heart's thumping wanting the other thing.
And you have to know what's nafsu and what's intuition.
And of course to weigh them all with your sane rationality.

Nobody knows what someone is actually going tnrough.
Bestfriends, best bestfriends, or even special friends, they might know some of the picture but you keep some pieces to your own little heart.
Outside, people will bash you, will talk bad about you and possibly to form a bandwagon against you.
If only they know the truth.
You never wish to be in that situation.
The river just flows and you have no force to stop.

Good and bad becomes no difference at that point.
You just feel like being invisible that nobody sees or even remembers you anymore.
I just want a good ending.
Again, it's Allah's secret what 'good' is.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Dinding Penghadang

Setiap hari kita berjumpa orang.
Kalau zaman sekarang, tak jumpa orang pun tetap akan jumpa.
Maksud aku di dunia maya.
Betapa banyak 'stragers' yang kita jumpa setiap hari.
Apa yang menyebabkan dia dan kita strangers?
Kerana antara kita dan dia tiada urusan.
Jadi tiada keperluan untuk dia dan kita berbicara justeru menjadi paling koman acquiatance. 
Jadi maknanya, manusia ni selfish lah? Sebab hanya akan berbicara atas dasar keperluan?
Tanpa bicara, dinding penghadang itu tak akan berjaya dirobohkan selamanya.
Hakikatnya ya.

Kalau kita lihat dari jauh, macam-macam kita boleh complain. Perempuan tu muka dia garang, hidung dia senget, mata dia sepet, ketiak dia busuk dan macam-macam lagi. Tapi cuba bayangkan, dia guru kepada anak kita di tadika. Tidakkah kita sedut benefit-benefit dari dia?
Hakikatnya ya.
Ish manusia ni, sudahlah selfish, parasite pulak tu.

Entah-entah strangers tu lah yang separti politik dengan kau. Nasib ada dia. Kalau tak, kurang satu undi parti pilihan kau.
Entah-entah strangers tu jugak lah yang sama pilihan artis gegar vaganza dengan kau. Kalau tak, belum tentu artis pilihan kau dapat ke final.
Entah-entah strangers  tu lah jugak pengguna Celcom macam kau. Kalau tak, belum tentu coverage Celcom seluas sekarang.
Entah-entah strangers tu lah peminat fanatik Zawara macam kau. Nasib ada dia. Kalau tak, belum tentu Zawara kebabom macam sekarang.

Dan pelbagai 'entah-entah' lagi.

Hakikatnya, kita tak akan pernah tahu apa fungsi kita pada strangers, dan apa fungsi strangers pada kita. Yang kita tahu, kita saling berfungsi. Jangan sampai gagal berfungsi.

Monday, November 21, 2016

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

As I grow older, I realize this 'thing' becomes less in number but richer in quality.
If that makes sense.
All I'm trying to say is..
I'm not a good friend.
Knowing that fact, sometimes I feel so undeserved to receive such good friends.
They are just Godsend.
How to put it in words. Urgh I am never good in expressing my feelings with words.
So to those good friends of mine.
Thanks for always keeping me in your mind and heart.
I really love you(s).
I really do.
Your sincerity is so genuine.
And that what keep us strong.

Aiyak. Geli. Tapi aku tengah momen terharu sekarang. So there you go.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Planning? Blergh

Opened my journal, ready to plan for my two upcoming  getaways.
Ended up just writing down the dates.













Why you no interesting??

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Changed. Again. And again.

One of the things I enjoy doing.
To decorate my blog. 
I changed again this time. 
Now it's black and white. 
Because I just encountered this one make-up blog and it's black and white.
So I thought why not?
Impression?
More matured, professional (memang tak ah), more firm, whatever comes to your mind lah. 
Mungkin esok lusa aku bosan, aku tukar lagi. Muahaha. 

I am actually still waiting. 
Where's my next journey.

*now playing Menanti Sebuah Jawaban by Padi*

Just nak cakap aku tengah menanti sebuah jawapan dari sekolah itu. 
Murahkanlah rezeki aku Ya Allah. 
At this time and age, nothing is more serious than getting a 'proper' job.
I define 'proper' as a job that could give me excitement every day and can pay bills (of course). 
Especially zaman pemerintahan BRIM sekarang. 
Eh tak cakap pape tak cakap pape. 

Jap. Pause kejap. 
Cuba fikir jap. 
Hebatnya Yang Maha Pencipta. 
Rahsia dia. 
Siapa sangka. 
Siapa pun kita, we never know how tomorrow would be. 
Kerna itu doa doa dan doa. 
Dengan diri penuh noda.
Kadang kadang tak yakin doa diterima atau tidak sobbs.
Tapi siapa kita nak menduga Si Dia Yang Maha Pemaaf sobbs lagi.
Ya Allah.
Luasnya lah rahmatMu.

Eh chop!
Bukan tadi nak cakap pasal new look encik mlog ni je ke?
Ahh biasa ah tu. 
Bila lama tak luah perasaan. 
Eh tapi kalau pompuan borak camtu ah kan. 
Paling syok bila tetiba sorang start "Eh jap? Macam mana kita dah boleh sampai ke sini eh? Kita cakap pasal ape sebenarnye eh tadi?"
Pastu ramai ramai dok keep track balik conversation sebelum sebelum tu. 
Ha nampak tak, ni gaya macam nak dok jadi dah. 
Ok pen off dulu (haha ayat favourite students dulu. lol).
Since I've no pen, so keyboard-off dulu. 
Hah jangan ikut eh ni term teacher rereka sendiri. 

Seriouslah, bye!

Different style

Notice my entri style has changed lately.
Urghh the expense of practicum.
But I'm over it.

I always envy on how could people organise such beautiful words in their blog.
But after all, that's just how writing reflects one's personality.


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Letter to Junior (for assignment)

This should be part of my practicum portfolio content. A letter to junior. So here it goes.


Dear my beloved juniors, (if you ever exist)

I’m writing this to share with you my experience being in MRSM Kubang Pasu for my practicum and will also pass to you some useful advices. Brace yourself, it’s gonna be an honest revelation.

                    The first thing I would like to share with you is about MRSM system. Since I come from SBP, learning about MRSM during the first week was so overwhelming. I don’t understand why they want to rebrand everything that KPM has. As simple as PIBG. In MRSM, it is known as Muafakat. Just like the US vs. UK. Okay that was one. I don’t know if you find this annoying but it is for me. 


                 Second is about different programs in MRSMs. My MRSM particularly has the IGCSE program. Hence, this makes the school more hectic as compared to other normal MRSMs. Usually, the ‘critical’ forms are form 3 and form 5 since they are having their national examination. For IGCSE MRSMs, form 4 is also considered ‘critical’ because the IGCSE exam is in form 4. Not to mention form 2 which is also going to have their checkpoint exam. So, you can tell how exam-based the school is. In terms of academic performance of course, this MRSM is one of the top ones. But due to the exam-based environment, I feel like losing a sense of ‘human’ in the students as well as the teachers (everyone’s like a robot). There is little chance for you to get to know the students, especially you are there for only 3 months and that minus their weeks of exams and whatnot.

                    Being a student-teacher who has ambitious visions to make change to the system, I think the least I could do is to change the students’ perception towards the subject. I can say that I have achieved this. From the letters I received from my students, a lot of them mentioned about how they enjoyed all the games and fun learning environment I have created in their class. Some of them also mentioned how their attitude towards English have changed and they have improved a lot on grammar and vocabulary. As a teacher, there is nothing more I can be happy with than the students telling me they are improving in the subject area. Even a little improvement from them, you will feel a huge satisfaction.

                    Another thing I learnt in this practicum is the fact that students are everything for a teacher. Students will always be the determiner whether or not I had a good day despite any issues at the school. There were times when I entered the class, my students were all standing and clapping hands cheerfully. At least, they are looking forward to what I have for them every day and that is better than anything else. Tell me how could I not feel sad leaving them?

                    Next I’d like to talk about the working environment. Jumping from a student life to a working life is not easy. There are a lot of expectations you should be prepared with. The least you could do is to have an open heart and accept your colleagues for what they are. I always believe, in a committee, it is impossible for everyone to work well with each other all the time. There are always hard times that we will face. But never take that as an excuse for you to talk bad about your colleagues or to even give them certain labels. Instead, try to be someone cooperative, especially you are there as a new teacher so don’t be someone difficult.

                    I think that is all from me. I’m afraid this will go too long. I think I’ve conveyed my main message. Last but not least, whatever disaster comes, students are always the main reason to keep moving forward. Sincerity is the key in teaching. If you are sincere, the knowledge passed will easily be penetrated in the students’ hearts. Till then, good luck!


Your cheerful senior,
Niena

Monday, October 3, 2016

Practicum post #11 [I can't marah]

I'd always thought that in teaching I need to be strict and to be able to scold students where necessary. I mean, to make them human.

However I personally find it's hard for me to scold or even raise my voice to students. I'd always feel like they are innocent creatures who should be nurtured with full of love, though a lot of them are not innocent at all. Sly instead. 

Anywayyss, the story was last week I gave my students a homework. Because I know that class quite well, I asked them to write a report in group as supposed to individual essay as I did to other classes. However I was very disappointed that only 1 group out of 4 groups made it on time. Worse was, one of the groups submitted an effortless essay. I was angry upon reading the work and in a way I doubt myself as a respected teacher. I always remind myself that regardless my size and experience, I want my students to respect and have faith in me. I want them to look at me as their source of knowledge. 

To make it short, I wrote a short note (not that short though) to them, taking a risk to make things better or I'm ready for it to be worse. 

The letter was 

And yesterday I received a text from one of their classmates


Hence, the ending was nice. Thanks students for making me feel happy to be your teacher. I pray for your continous success. 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Complicated

People say if you're angry, 
Just step back and look for the reason of your anger. 
But in my case, if I'm angry, I couldn't even see the reason behind it. 
I will just keep quite and speak loudly inside my head.
As a result, I lost my mood. 
I feel like not talking to anyone. 
I MEAN IT!! 
Like, people, just go away!  

That's why, 
I don't like being angry. 
Because I totally can't control myself. 
I just can't. 
If I try hard to replace my anger with joy, it'll just make my eyes filled. 
Each and every time. 

Sorry man. Women are intricate human being.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Gila tak cuak

John's here.
Now with Miza.
Less than 1 hour, it'll be my turn.
Wish me luck.

Semoga dilancarkan bicara,
dimudahkan fikiran,
dilapangkan hati,
diberi ketenanga setenang melihat senyuman Rasulullah.
Sallallahualaihi Wasallam.


Wednesday, September 21, 2016

There are some students who can really make me walked away from their class grinning with satisfaction. 

Ahh. That feeling. 

Monday, September 5, 2016

Practicum post #10 [Salah masuk kelas]

Today jaga exam. 

*Entered the class, asked students to put all the books away. Me, writing the word 'Geografi , 8.00 am -9.00 am, 1 hour 30 minutes' when suddenly when I finished writing another teacher was right behind me, observing me writing before.*

He smiled amusingly and said, "Terima kasih la tolong tulis noh" sambil tunjuk label kelas.* 

Adoyai malu. Salah masuk kelas. Takpa cikgu baru. 

Insecurity

I don't know whether this kinds of feelings assail only creatures called female or just everyone. 

One of the reasons to know whether you are comfortable with someone is that you don't feel insecure nor better off than that someone. 

Lately, insecurity embraces me in all angles. I'm trying not to think too much but I just couldn't. 

Until I had this conversation with Nad. 

Sometimes, I try not to regard one friend as better than the other. But she's just that one person who I can totally be myself without worrying too much on anything. 

That's what complementary and compatibility mean I guess.

Thank you Allah. 

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Practicum post #9 [Nicknames]

When I entered a new class, I always asked my students.

"Who in this class got 'special' names?"

Just my personal technique of memorizing students' names (if not all).

Then students would start cracking up and shouting all those sorts of weird names.And today I learnt another super weird name. 

Torshaq.

I asked them "Huh? What's that? How do u spell it?" 

Then they were like "T.O.R.S.H.A.Q" in chorus.

Surprised again. I asked "What the heck is that? How did you derive that?"

Students again, burst out laughing. 

"Motor besaq teacher". 

πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“

Ohhoi macam-macam. Ohmaisekolahasrama.

Practicum post #8 [Awkward]

Common ways of dealing with awkwardness. 

Either you smile and chuckle pretentiously like you understand what that person's talking about, add on some pokes and slapping around
Or
You repeat his/her last few words and nod sensibly
Or
You pretend like enjoying the conversation with some chuckles and end up giving up saying "Tak paham" with a straight face.😐

Practicum post #7 [Class Trip]

Students : Teacher, teacher, teacher from New Zealand eh? 

Me: Yes, I studied there. 

Students: Oh teacher, we are going to NZ too. Ada rombongan?

Me: What? Class trip to NZ? 

Student A: Yes, cikgu xx organises it. 

Me: So how are you going to be selected? 

Student A: No selection. Anyone can go. As long as you can pay. 

Me: How much?

Student B: 3k each. 5k for UK. The rest will be sponsored by yayasan xx. 

Ohhoii zaman aku dulu trip ke Muzium padi pun dah syiok macam apa. Sobbs. Generation gap, social status gap, age gap, sobbs.

*pegi cafe cek dompet. Nangis*

Practicum post #6 [Reminiscing]

Part of the thoughts that linger in my mind when I'm doing my teaching

"Which student in this class is most likely to be like myself when I was in their place? πŸ€”"
"This class clown is so like one of my classmates named bla3..πŸ˜†"
"This face looks exactly like my classmate 😯"
"Erghh boyss will be boys, *πŸ˜žπŸ™„recalling my old schoolhood memories*"
"Why do I keep forgetting their names??😫"
"Do these people know how's life like beyond their school gate? πŸ€”"
"Don't they have any idea that they will not contact each other in the future as much as they are picking on each other today? 😭"
"Was I this nervous taking tests/exams when I was at their age? πŸ€’" 

Well, how time flies. My time was like what... 7-10 years ago?? 😱😱😱

Practicum post 5 [Forever young part 2]

It's been a month but we still got form 1 students passed us by saying "Assalamualaikum kak" dengan muka penuh innocent. 

Takpelah dik, at least better than makcik. πŸ˜‚

Practicum post #4 [Forever young]

Walking to the school today, with us two wearing t-shirt and pants. Because this week is activity week, so casual wear for the whole week except yesterday. 

As we entered the school area, all eyes on us. First I was like, aku je kot perasan. Then went to do our thumbprint routine and a teacher said "nak p mana?" And we were looking at each other, "err g sekolah" said one of us. 
*dalam hati was like, kenapa tanya macam tu, obviously nak g sekolah".
Then, another teacher acknowledged "aik hampa main apa hari ni? Ingatkan main sukan, nak p pasaraya ka". 

Then went into the staffroom, pheww a few teachers were also wearing 'casual'. Then went to the cafe, another teacher said "pakai macam ni hari ni depa tak tau la student ka teacher". Then another teacher greeted "suka makan ayam ni, macam student jugak noh" *while looking at the drumstick in my plate* 

All this while, I was trying hard to dress (to impress) like a teacher and suddenly once they see us in a casual wear, that impression's gone. πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

Practicum post #3 [Salam]

I entered a class today and at the end of the lesson asked the students.
Me: Can I just ask you a quick question before I leave?

Students: Yeeees! (chorus answer, what Malaysian students are good at)

Me: Do you usually 'bagi salam' to your teachers outside classroom? (cause I see that's not quite happening, so I just hope by asking they'll get what I'm trying to say)

Students: Yeeeeeesss! *confidently*

Me: *giving them a weird look, showing my dissatisfaction*

Student A: Maybe because we don't know you're teacher, so we don't 'bagi salam' to you. 

Me: I see. That's my assumption too. Fair enough. *pasting a satisfying smile*

Student B: Because you look too young teacher (eleeeeh, pancing lettew)

Me: Okay class, thank you then *smiling, walking out of the class*

In the evening, I went to the office to do some photocopying and heard a student shouting "Teacher!" from the upper level. 
I turned my back and saw the students from the class I entered earlier. 

"Assalamualaikum teacher".

Ces. Korang nganjing aku eh.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Let's just update something shall we?
It's been a long time since I last updated my blog in a good mood.
Haha.

Often, it's when I'm down, confused, curious, those sorts of feelings.

I'm halfway done with my practicum. Honestly I can't wait to finish it.
If you know what I mean.

Pernah ke time aku tulis ni I really have a point?
Because now I'm going around and around lagi.

Need a book, and a perfume.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Jahatkah seorang Niena?

I honestly don't know why
In any way, I am not offended, at all
But I lost that fun
I just can't even utter even a haha
I just feel like... not telling anything to anyone anymore? Really? 
Is this how working life's like? 
Or is this part of the growing up process?

Bantuin akuuuuuuuu

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Betul lah
Teknologi mendekatkan yang jauh 
Menjauhkan yang dekat
Sedih
Pissed

Encik suami, nanti jangan buat niena camtu
Kalau tak niena akan sedih sangat
Niena try untuk tak buat camtu 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Angry Bird

Do I look like an angry bird here?
Oh maybe it's because of my brow.
Poor me.
Because of my frown.
I frown when I show my disapproval, sometimes innocence, often confusion and curiosity.
But people might have just interpreted it for one.
Anger. Or dissatisfaction.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Cerita

Ingat bila bercerita kurang sesak di dada
Terkadang menambah semak
Jika yang dicerita itu salah orangnya
Memanglah tak enak
Tapi kalau yang dicerita itu kena orangnya
Harus jiwa juga terasa lemak

Kesimpulannya, jangan ikut hati
Akal diberi untuk buat pertimbangan
Hati pula diberi untuk menilai dan mentafsir sesuatu yang akal buta dan pekak
Guna keduanya
Baru benar manusia

Practicum post #2 [Suffocating]

So far everything has been good. 
Awesome is not yet achieved. Haha. 
It's not exciting yet not too boring.
Maybe because I havent entered classes to teach yet.
So most of the times, I've been surrounded by teachers. Annoying sometimes. 
I am still learning to adapt. They way they befriend with each other is not the way I befriend with people. 

Haih, selalu cerita students lari balik mrsm sebab homesick. Jangan nanti pecah record teacher pulak lari dari mrsm sebab homesick. Engko jangan nienaaa. Kau chill je. Biasalah tu mula2. Kau ingat hidup kau ni sokmoo bahagia macam lawak kampus? Haha memang tak lah. Kadang cerita kau ni kalah drama indon emosi diaa. 

Ok lah teacher nak tido. Doakan miss niena kuat, tabah dan sentiasa ikhlas mendidik anak bangsa. 

Friday, July 15, 2016

Not a practicum post

I feel plain. 

Sometimes like a rice ball stucks in my throat. 
Can't swallow
Can't even throw it up
Semoga kalian happy
Semoga Allah berikan yang terbaik untuk aku

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Practicum post #1 [Intro]

So today is my first day being a practicum teacher in MRSM Kubang Pasu, shortened, MRSM KuPa. So far Alhamdulillah everything went well. Nothing much, just getting all the housekeeping stuffs done. Basically we were just getting ourselves familiar with the school, meeting the principal (gulp.), other admins, and other teachers. My first impression is that everyone here is so warm and welcoming. From our mentors, the staffs, and the students as well. I also got a chance to eat at the cafΓ© as a teacher for the first time. The food’s not too bad. Nice I would say. Me and Miza also got a chance to enter one of the teachers’ classes. Well, actually she was our senior at Auckland. Haha I know. What a small world. Not only that, there are like 5 teachers there from New Zealand, including science teachers.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

Ramble Raya

Alhamdulillah our open house just ended.
Didn't expect it turned out to be a massive one.
Super tired I swear. 
I showered 4 times today because I was just extremely sweaty and sticky eww I know due to continuous cooking, going here and there around the house to serve the guests. 
But all in all, of course I'm a happy girl. In fact all of us enjoyed our open house so much. 
Alhamdulillah thank you Allah for the rezeki. 

But I just have something to ramble. 
About soksek. I dont't know what's my feeling towards soksek. Sometimes im proud to be part of my batch but slowly the feeling's wiped off. Due to the disconnection that me myself created maybe? If I were to attend a reunion, I'll be super awkward. Semua orang ade geng masing2, meet up every year, know each others' personal stuffs, laughed together for the same inside jokes and me? Imagining myself to be with them is already making me feel inferior. In the end, I'd rather be like this. Tapi kengkadang jeles. Jeles for their bond and wonder why can't I be that close as them. But when I think back, maybe because I was just there for two years and they've known each other longer than that. Two years babe. What do u expect to give an impact on people's lives? Haha.

Sebab tu la busuk busuk budak tesl pun, aku boleh terima and sayang setiap sorang differently. Because we've been together for 6 years already. 

So maybe, in my case, the hypothesis of 'the longer u know the person, the more you'll be regarded as important in their life' is accepted. But, just, in this case.

Nite. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Book Review: The Last Lecture

Book Title : The Last Lecture
Author : Randy Pausch
Genre : Non-fiction - memoir
Rating : 7.0/10

Synopsis : This book is about a fighter of pancreatic cancer, Randy who is living the remaining of his life. The essence of this book is taken from his last lecture called "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" which he claims is not about dying as what most people might have thought, instead it's about living. This book has given the readers a new perspective of life from the lens of a person whom was expected to end his life in about 6 months. A lot of the messages in this book are dedicated to the persons he dears the most: Jai, his wife and his three children named Dylan, Logan and Chloe (the only daughter and the youngest too). When he wrote this book, he was 47 years old man with kids of age of 6, 3 and 18 months-old.

Feedback : This is the kinda book I feel myself attached to. A real-life story which can inspire the readers. Basically, I like the simple language used. Upon reading this book, I can say when we know when are we going to die, we know that's not much time left, what matters the most is to make each thing that we do meaningful. Like he said, he was somehow glad that he got cancer because he got a death alarm. Unlike if he was dead because of an accident or heart attack, he would not get a chance to apologize and be grateful to all the people around him. Well, I think that's something to ponder. One point captures me the most is how deep his love to his children. A lot of time, he mentioned about his worry of his children growing up without their dad. Because he will leave them anytime soon, hence there will be not much memories of him remembered by the kids, especially the youngest which was only 18-months old. Therefore, he wrote a lot of letters and filmed as much video as he could with the kids so that they will be able to watch and read the letters when they are big enough to understand. It touches my heart that despite his absence, he still wants his kids to know that they used to have a dad who loved them very deeply.

Downside : Not a highly recommended book if u ask me cause there's no 'wow' factor but I like it anyway. I mean, I'll put a book in my 'highly recommended' list if I got goosebumps when I read it. Maybe because this book has the same emotion and atmosphere throughout.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

After three years celebrating Raya abroad. 
A lot has changed since then. 
I miss everything. 
But I also miss Auckland's weather. 
I actually miss Bersatu. 
Especially the 2014's. 
That's the beginning of almost everything. 
A memory I shall not forget. 
Now it's been two years. 
Seeing the upadates on facebook, how the faces have changed. 
I just miss playing again, 
Just to excrete the extra energy which I have no idea where and how to channel to.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Devastated

I don't understand
I don't usually think too much when I do something
So I can't even justify my actions

What is this?

Sleep Niena sleep!

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Detached

Krik krik
I'm sorry but I don't feel belong anymore
So I might not go
I'm afraid I'll be awakward kuasa 56

Wilting

I'm like a soluble panadol
Reacts very abruptly
And then soothes after a while
The only difference is
I might not be healing nor curing 

To be honest, I feel a little bit dull without kids to play around on a daily basis
Because after three years it has been my routine
Now I'm back to reality

I don't really miss other things I left in Auckland (maybe yet)
But my thought is always for Mia and the twins
Macam ni ke weh perasaan kalau ade anak sendiri? Hhmm

New look

How do you like my new look? 
Not too bad aye? 
Well I'm trying to put on a more girlish pinkish gedikish mode. 

***************

I'm a family girl. 
I tell everything to my family, particularly my mum and my two older sisters. 
So if you're those close friends of mine, expect your names are mentioned to my family. 
When I tell about you to my family then you are indeed significant in my life. 

Because I just had a conversation with my mum in the car early this morning. 
Well we both are hoping for the best, 
Oh well who aren't? 

Missing daddy. Oh yes, I am a daddy's girl. But my bestfriend is my mum. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

knowing vs knows

There are some people who I tell a lot about myself and as a result, they are knowing me better.
And
There are some people who I tell them most of the things about myself, they know me.
They just know me.
For who I am.
And they know how to handle me.

But those two are different.
I can't lie to myself.

In the end, everything has been written.
You can long,
But you can't guarantee.
And least you can do is,
to learn to accept.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Thank you and goodbye

I'm not good in expressing in words
So please take this post seriously. 
Haha.

Thank you for being a good friendnemy
Thank you for annoying me everyday
Thank you for challenging me all the time
Thank you for hating everything I love
Thank you for listening to all my stupid story everytime (though your response sometimes is not what I wanted. But thank you anyway haha
Thank you for the Gong Cha treat
Thank you for trying to prove me you're a good driver
Thank you for trying to make me a different kinda person (hahaa tak berjaya!)
Thank you for waking me up in the morning
Oh ya, thank you for the proofreading job! 

Aaaaand
The list will go on and on and on and oonn

After all, thank you for 'entertaining' me throughout my life here and being one of those significant others. 

Till then, boii! 
See you when I see you. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

4 days

Now it's only 4 days left. 
Feeling?
Honestly at this moment neutral lagi. 
But hopefully all the good things await in Malaysia. 
I'm not good in expressing cause I hate cheesy stuffs. 
But those people, I sincerely am happy being around you. 
Thanks for making me who I am,
And accept all my flaws that me myself is trying hard to embrace. 
May Allah protect each and everyone of you. 

Again, million thanks. 

Friday, June 10, 2016

Malay post vs English post

English - usually reflects my instability.
Malay - my happy side most of the time.

Do you notice that?

When i start talking in English, I am really making my points.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Reincarnation

One by one,
I see the leaves falling
Kissing the ground 
And forever they are in love 

Tomorrow 
Greener they turn
Stronger they become
The trunk remains 
Brown 
Old
Yet, stronger it stands

That man from the town
Sat on the bench

That man from the countryside
Sat by the beach

That man from the city
Sat by the window

All pondering bout their little secret
Written on the fallen leaves
To hide it between chapters
Or might the ink just vanished
To be known not by the world

Thinking out loud

Maybe just my nature.
I am more comfortable talking to boys.
Cause I can express whatever I think, frankly.
Because I'm a frank person.

Even if I have best girlfriend, she must be a not-so-typical kinda girl.
Dengan laki, sakit hati hari ni, esok baik balik.
Dengan pompuan, sakit hati hari-hari
Tak hilang hilang.
Menyampah aku.

Lalala
Whatever.
Lantak ah nak cakap aku less pompuan ke ape.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Faded

"The monster's running wild inside of me, I'm faded"
Yes I am.

Sheryll said to me "you have that one skill that you can always look happy and cheerful".
Upon hearing that, I stunned, questioning myself "Really?"
Or maybe, in a crowd, that's where I recharge my positivity.

And there's one friend said to me "You look a bit different this year. More reserved and less talking"
And again, I questioned myself "Really?"
Part of it was true.

Indeed. 

Half of the world sees me on one side,
And another half of the world sees me on another side of mine. 
Truth is, it's hard to find people who can see me on the perspective perpendicular to myself.
I talk rubbish. 
You might not understand.
But I have that imagination clearly in my mind. 
Whether or not you can read it, I don't care. 

Reading back all my recent posts,
I think I miss the old Niena. 
If this is what adult's like, 
I miss my teenage life.

No I'm not depressed. 
I am just expressing. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

Ayam dan Itik

Ayam ngan itik pun tak seteruk ni weh.
Arghh logik apakah.
Walau aku cuba paham.
Dan selam.
Masih terkapai kapai.
Gagal.

Persefahaman sendiri gagal difahami.

Hairan.

Kadang aku fikir, kenapa kami masih bercakap.
Sepatutnya dah lama bercakaran.
Arghh. sungguh aku stress.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

That one man
Knows himself
Knows everyone
Knows everything
She thought, he's playing Mr Know-It-All

That one man
Reads roses 
Listens tulips
Talks thorns
She thought, he's a cotton candy

That one man
Loved by friends
Adored by girls
Deared by newbies 
She thought, he's a joke.

That man
He's stitched
He's ached
But
That girl 
She pitied
She laughed. 

Knees bent, the sacks he carries
Head down, the people he passes
Hopeless noise, the words he dismisses
Eyes wiggle, the world he's ridiculed

Today
A card she writes not
With a little wish she says not
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY 
To that one annoying man.






Friday, May 20, 2016

Second class

I'm small
And petite
And helpless
And vulberable
And weak
And seond-class

So people, 
Keep scolding me. 
Yes, especially in front of the whole world. 
Keep putting s**ts on my face. 
Keep throwing loads on my shoulder. 
Oh yes, just do whatever you want. 
Because in the end, I'm that second class who will always abide to the first-class. 

Lies

When you lie too much
You'll just keep lying to seal the lies that you made 
And your life ends up a lie
People might believe
Or trust
But not me

I hate liars

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Not yet

I have not yet found
And I have not yet to be found 

I'm poisoned 
I'm dying inside
I need to go for a theraphy 
Actually it's my choice
To go or not to go
Because it is in front of me

Heart heart heart
Always goes up and down 
Mind mind mind
Always thinks too much 
When my heart sicks
My mind doesn't work well
And my face decides to portray it to the world 
Though my smile tries to disguise the pain 
But people with visible heart can definitely see

I'm still alive 
That means I will be stronger

Monday, May 9, 2016

Problems

Yes I have problems.
But I keep them inside.
My heart swells.
I need to cure it immediately.
Before it sickens even worse.

Because heart is the nucleus of a human.
Once it's ruined, the rest suffers.
And I can feel that I am suffering now.
Pray for me.

I can't take this anymore.
Wanna go home.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Kemuncak hari

Aku sampai nak muntah hadap assignment. 
Tah macam mana time jalan nak pi surau tadi tetiba rasa nak nangis. 
Sebab rasa ada beban dalam kepala yg tak keluar. 
Honestly, aku rasa this is a tough month. 
Hope Allah ease everything for me. 

Aku betul-betul tak sangka this is what happened today. 
Like yesterday, u never expected you'll be facing these today. 
Love is unconditional. 

Yes kita doa. 
Aku redha macam mana pun Allah takdirkan untuk aku.
Walaupun deep inside, aku rasa 'untungnya'. 
Tapi tak apelah. 
Aku tahu Dia Maha Tahu apa yang terbaik untuk aku. 
Semoga terus diberi kesabaran dan kematangan mengharungi usia 24. 


Sunday, April 3, 2016

Haih

Dasar perempuan betul.
Benda besar semut, kau pikir besar gajah.
Puii la hang.

Sambung buat keja lah.
Alah, lantak.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Hidup perlu diteruskan

April's coming.

Fuh cepat betul masa berlalu.

8 vacancies and 51 candidates.
How could I make it soon?
Memanglah rezeki semua di tangan Allah kan.
Tapiii...
Aku ni apa lah yang ada?
You know what I mean?
Tu yang aku malas.
Keluar je zaman study, everything's about competition.

Baik aku bukak tadika.
Atau cafe dipenuhi buku.
Alngkah bahagia.
Tapi angan-angan mat jenin pun tiada guna.
In the end, harus berpijak di bumi yang nyata,

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Siot betul
Habislaa kalau dia dengar
Adoih lepas satu, satu lah hari ni
Berat nye rasa atas bahu ni
Aku berat hati ni nak balik

Ada lagi ke lepas ni kawan terima aku baik buruk busuk wangi aku macam Nadzirah dengan Amirah Reduan. 
Memang aku jadi attached kalau jumpa diorang ni.
Aku ni sebenarnya tak cukup kasih sayang ke? 
Hmm rasa nak cuba belajar simpan sikit lah untuk diri sendiri. 
Simpan serabut, cerita kat orang pun serabut. 
Mungkin kau yg memang serabut. Hahahaa
Bencila aku
Kalau dah nama Niena tu Niena jugak

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Kebahagiaan Seorang Niena

This year banyak benda berubah.
Pusing kiri lain,
pusing kanan lain.
Bagai berubah 360 dimensi.

Tapi kebahagiaan Niena masih ada sekurang-kurangnya.
Apabila dikelilingi anak-anak kecil tak berdosa,
Hilang segala resah.
Sebab mereka anak syurga.
Memang sabar je aku menanti anak sendiri. Eh?

Semalam join MAPSA gathering.
Surprisingly, aku lebih belong kat MAPSA compare ngn AUC.
Which used to be part of myself once upon a time.

Niena Sr. vs Nina Jr.

Mia

Abirah






















Auckland's newborn, Adam Muaz

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Mudah terhibur

Aku tak pasti la ni budak Malaysia je ke cemana.
Or maybe the fact that kitorang semua know each other and we talk about the class after the class,
So we are easily amused over little things.
Dia macam inside joke jugaklaa. 
And then we'll start giggling. 
Gila tahan gelak dalam kelas boleh semput woh. 
Sebab tanak kasi lecturer nampak. 
Yelah, kalau dia nampak sure rasa offended, dah kenapa bebudak Malaysia ni? Aku ade buat kelakar ke?

Tak masalahnya aku benci betul bila dalam kelas, aku rasa amused pastu tetiba automatic terpandang sesape rupanya wavelength bersambung. 
Walaupun sorang kat utara and sorang kat selatan, pastu mula lah giggle dua2 orang. 
Nak2 lagi budak tesl ni 10 orang. 
Dah kalau semua wavelength bersambung memang parah aaa. 

Pastu kengkawan kiwi atau classmate lain macam pandang2. Pehal pompuan ni gelak sorang2. 

Hadoihh. Nangis tahu gelak tahan tahan ni? Macam nak meletup muka rasa. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Awkward, again

Aku ada satu masalah ni.
Iaitu each time jumpa orang after a long while, 'to hug or not to hug'.
Paham tak perasaan aku?
Macam kau jumpa orang ni tetiba macam "Eh haiii! *diiringi muka eksaited* pastu dia macam "perlu ke tak offer hug?"
Sometimes orang tu dah macam offer hug pastu aku menggelabah nak sambut.
Pastu akan terjadilah pelukan awkward.
Ahh Niena!
Kau selalu camtu!

Pastu a few times this happened.
When scene peluk ni berlaku, pastu kau ingat dah habis dan cuba meleraikan pelukan (haktuih ayat novel sangat -_- Because I think that's the best way to express what am I trying to say.)
Pastu rupanya tak habis lagi.
Dalam hati macam "errk, cepatla lepas. Aku awkward nih"
Pastu bila dah lepas tu rasa macam "fuhhh. finally."

Sekian.


Saturday, March 12, 2016

Introspect

A new word I learnt from my educ400 class. 
I simplify the word as muhasabah. 
It's somehow related to metacognition. 
The only different is introspect is you seeing yourself as an insider.
And metacognition is you seeing yourself as an outsider. 

And why am I explaining them? 
As usual, I often don't get answers to my question and action. 

The more I live, the more I learn that respect is to be earned. 
The more I live, the more I know people. 
The more I live, the more I learn that good people exist and so do bad people. 

To find people who accept us inside out is difficult. 
Apart from out family.
And that's just because we can't run away from them given that the bloodtie that we share. 
That's why marriage is a gamble. 
Because you risk your life living with a person you hardly know. 
And I just realized that you might spend your life with your partner longer than you spend your time with your parents (well, technically. Unless death comes in between).  
Fuh, scary. 

And aku taknak fikir dah cuz I don't see and can't imagine who would accept me. Cuz I am just so imperfect. 
Like really I am. 


Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Robotized

Technology makes human robotized.
I feel the impact upon me.
The reminder of people's birthdays appear on the screen,
and I feel the obligation to wish.
Though I don't feel like wishing in the first place.

You know, in the old days,
We wish those whom we feel significant in our lives.
These days, I don't even know the person who wished me.
No, of course, it's not a big deal.

I'm just, you know, think too much.
These few days.
What is wrong with me.

I feel like the venn diagram will no longer merged.
So let's not call it venn diagram in the first place.
I'm just like a dot next to the question number.
Nobody gives a damn.
Because the main focus is the solution to the question.

Weh ini bunyinya sangat depressed.
Kena tampar ini perempuan sampai dia bangun kembali!

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Bread

I compare it with bread cuz they have expiry date.
Whatever plans you have, once it reaches its expiry date, it means nothing. 
Though if you still work it out, chances are, it won't taste as good as before. 
Begitulah kehidupan. 
Sekejap je sebenarnya tempoh roti tu. 
Beli roti baru, hidup baru pun bermula. 

Selamat malam. 

Taknak dah mimpi merapek macam semalam please. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Habit

I have this one habit lately
That I like to murmur over my inner thoughts
Some sort of 'monolog luaran' 
That it became a problem when people are not supposed to hear petty things I keep in my head
I find this annoying 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

not maths

If only thoughts are like maths
Though how complicated it is, you'll get the answer at the end.

Oh please don't talk about this anymore.
Aku seriously muak.
Nak stop.
Pause la.
Stop cam nipu.

Eliminated.  Sorry!

Monday, February 29, 2016

New start

2016 in Auckland. 
Brought my parents here. 
The feeling was amazing. 
Some kind of satisfaction. 
Ya Allah, thanks for this and everything. 
I should thank my consultant for everything. 
You helped me a lot. 
Like u did to everyone around u. 
Takleh move on gii. 
Sedihh. 
Mummyy daddyyy :'(

Azam sem ni. 
Academic semestinya mahu lebih kemajuan. 
Nak jauhkan diri daripada soal hati dan perasaan yang hanya mainan syaiton. 
Nak bertabah. 
Nak bergembira. 
Nak seize the moment. 
Nak maximize kan sumbangan. 
Nak jadi manusia positif. 

People come and go.
But I dont want gold people in my life to go.
Keselesaan yang lain. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Kahwin kahwin kahwin

Huyoooo semorang dah kawin
Or at least dah nak kawin
Mau tak menggelupur? 
Kau calon pun tak hado
Hahaha

Balik balik bila bagitau orang aku takde calon lagi mesti orang akan tanya
"Tak cari ke??"
Ohhohoii 
Kalian tahu ke jawapan soalan macam tu ape?
Cuba korang imagine orang tanya korang soalan tu. 
Agaknye ape korang jawab. 
Aku sampai sekarang tak tahu guane nak jawab. 
Dia bukan macam cari ikan kat market. 
Or at least laaaa, susah susah dapat koje pun, kau boleh tengok iklan jawatan kosong kat paper hari hari. 
Habis busuk kau nampak je iklan 'jawatan kosong', kau gi mintak keje. 
Ha gitu. 
Ni jodoh ooi. 
Eh engko emo ke Niena? 
Stress lettew semorang ade calon hidop. Haha. 
Takpe ah.
Kau minum je kopi hari hari kalau tu boleh buat kau happy. 
Haha.


Aku jumpa kawan lama
Semua macam matang
Lawo
Bergaya

Aku?
Same old niena.

Aku cuba nak menjadi matang. 
Namun hhmm kejap aje dah keluar niena yang masih tak grow-up.

Waaaa nak kawin. 
Sep sikit mira.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

maksud?

Aku rasa macam di persimpangan sangat lately.
Beratnya macam ke arah kanan, tapi kadang-kadang beah kiri macam menarik-narik.

Semalam mimpi.

Aduh tapi tak tahu lah ada maksud atau syaitan acah-acah aku.

Kuat jugak perasaan tu.

Mohon petunjukMu Ya Rab.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Merdeka!!!

Alhamdulillah. 

1 month of working. It finally ends. 
Pelbagai suka dan duka aku dah redah.
Fuh cayalah. 

Perasaan paling jitu sekarang ialah gembira. 
Lega. 
Bebas.

Seronok bos baik. 
Colleagues pun baik. 

Terima kasih Allah. 

Aku sayang ayah aku. 
Selalu wonder, ade ke laki yang akan buat aku rasa 'loved, appreciated, celebrated and secure' like how I feel with my dad. 
At the moment, if I found that guy, I pray that he will be my man. 

Aku betullah rasa macam dah clear. 
Aku doakan moga Allah permudahkan urusan aku dalam hal ni. 

Ngantuk baq ang! Tdoq lu. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Fikir

Memang apa apa berlaku pun kena fikir.
Fikir yang berfikrahkan Islam adalah sebaik baik pemikiran. 
Buahnya mungkin lebih manis. 
Oh tak patut ada perkataan 'mungkin' di situ. 
Kerana ia merupakan suatu yang pasti. 
Bagi hambaNya yang benar benar yakin. 

Untuk senario hati, 
Dalami sahaja maksud sebenar perkataan 'qalbu'. 
Cukuplah mendapat jawapan. 
Sebab tu bahasa Arab ni bahasa Al-Qur'an sebab ia merupakan bahasa terindah. 

Kalau di usia macam ni hari-hari pun bicara soal jodoh. 
Entah dia sesuatu yang akan sentiasa spark biar dengan siapa pun kau bicara selagi usianya sebaya. 
Harap kau tak define 'sebaya' tu literally sebaya. 

Mungkin macam ni jugak dulu-dulu. 
Yang menjadi titik persamaan kau dengan playmates kau dulu mestila gasing, layang-layang, bayblade or whatever game yg tengah hit masa tu la kan. 

Kau masuk sekolah menengah pulak sibuk bercerita cinta monyet yang pada masa tu kau rasa itu lah cinta mati. 

Dah lepas usia typical teenager tu kau sibuk sembang topik course pulak dengan kawan-kawan kau. 
Yang medik dengan isu mediknya, 
Yang engineering dengan isu cabang engineeringnya. 
Begitulah. 

Matang sikit, kau mula mencari diri. 
Usrah antara topik hit. Tak kisahlah kau berusrah atau tidak, tapi topik tu sumpah hot

Dan bila dah berusrah, dah islamik sikit, kau mula nak berbicaa munakahat. Kalau dulu kau bersembang pasal kawin, sekarang tak main lah. Munakahat baru lah usrah sikit beb. 

Haha

Aku tak bercakap pasal orang pun. 
Aku bercakap pasal diri sendiri. 
Kalau ada yang boleh relate, high 5 sikit. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

Daddy dan Katherine

Al kisahnya Encik Mohd Sharif masih belum dapat menantu
Apatah lagi cucu
Jadi weekend Encik Mohd Sharif dihabiskan dengan menjaga 'cucu'nya, Katherine. 
Untung Katherine dapat tokwan macam tu. 

Setiap minggu Encik Mohd Sharif mandikan Katherine.
Vacuum Katherine. 
Ibu Katherine rasa seperti ibu tak guna tak ambik kisah welfare anak dia. 
Tapi bukan begitu, ibu Katherine penat dan cuti sehari seminggu itu memang digunakannya untuk bermalas-malasan. 
Tapi setiap kali ibu Katherine keluar ke porch rumah mereka dan melihat Katherine sedang bergembira dibelai atuknya, ibu Katherine rasa bersalah. 

Hari minggu hari tu Encik Mohd Sharif membawa anak-anaknya shopping di Jusco dan beraktiviti family time. 
Encik Mohd Sharif kemudian membelikan 'pakaian' untuk cucu kesayangannya itu. 
Sayang sungguh Encik Mohd Sharif pada cucunya. 

Ini baru 'cucu', kalau cucu betul. 
Haha *senyum bahagia*

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Manusia tak sempurna

Dia sempurna
Bak pria idaman
Tapi
Ketidaksempurnaannya benar-benar tidak sempurna.

Dia tidak sempurna
Serba kekurangan
Tapi ketidaksempurnaannya itu benar-benar menyempurnakan.

Bagaimana ya?


Saturday, January 16, 2016

Jeda

Aku tidak mahu noktah mahupun tanda soal.
Kerana dua itu aku rasakan perit tebal
Seksa kalau ianya kekal.

Begini kita katakan jeda.
Sebuah escapism bersikap sementara. 

Pokok hanya sebatang pokok
Akal aku terkadang terlalu nakal untuk berfikir perkara bersikap mengheret diri ke sebuah memori

Sebuah perbualan terkadang minyingkap seribu satu persoalan
Satu persatu terurai
Seperti mengupas kulit bawang
Satu demi satu helai kau koyakkan
Bezanya kau akan terus koyak dan koyak dan koyak dan kau hadam
Sampai ada kala kau sendiri yang terkoyak

Bila kau urai seorang insan bernama manusia
Source nya bukan terbatas hanya pada ungkapan si punya badan
Tapi juga tingkah lakunya
Perilakunya dengan insan-insan sekeliling
Pemikirannya
Butir bicaranya
Dan percayalah
Kadang kala butir matanya juga kau kaji
Hidungnya kau teliti
Telinganya kau perhalusi
Oh itu pun kalau dia free hair


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Gedik

Bila aku menggedik asyik nak post ni maksudnya aku memang tengah tak stable. 

Jangaaaaaaaaaannn. 

R selalu betul. 
Z selalu salah. 
Walaupun Z dan R terpisah oleh benua Australia, 
R sentiasa gah di mata dunia. 
Tapi Z tak. 
Z umpama kuman yang mendongak. 
Mungkinkah Z akan menjadi seorang pelarian akhirnya? 
Lari sejauh jauhnya. 
Kerana tanah yang dia pijak sudah tidak selamat lagi. 
Nantikan episod seterusnya.
Aku tak pernah skeptik pasal benda tu. 
Pada aku masing-masing lah. 
Asalkan masih lurus. 

Umpamanya dari T1 Seremban tu nak balik KMS. 
Lain teksi lain route dia ikut. 
Tapi semua sampai ke KMS ("gate B confirm") jugak in the end. 
Setengah suka jalan A sebab lengang sikit katanya. 
Setengah suka jalan B sebab dekat katanya. 
Setengah pulak suka jalan C sebab rare katanya. 
Dan begitulah juga jalan D, E dan F dan seterusnya. 

Tapi....
Hmm takpelah malas nak sambung. 
Rasa hhmm entah. 

Good night. 
Sweet deeams. 
Moga Allah rahmati kita semua. 
Semoga hari esok lebih baik dari hari ini InsyaAllah.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Antara mimpi dan realiti

Semalam aku mimpi Harrison
Sedihnye. 
Harrison, I hope you are in a better place. 

And something happened just now that reminded me about that thing I dreamt dayssss ago. 

And I just got an offer.
Which I used to dream before. 
But I thought I could never make it true. 
But itulah, rezeki. 
Rupanya hari ni baru Allah makbulkan. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I will try my best to benefit the people Insya Allah. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Dream

I dream every night.
My thought is so adventurous that it could sometimes go through little tiny routes.

The best time to daydream is when I sink my head in the pillow.

Niena is in-denial.
Niena thinks a lot.
Niena doesn't want to think anymore.
Niena wants to read good books.
Niena wants to have good coffee.
Niena tells herself to learn a lesson.
Niena tells herself to be prepared for next year.
Niena tells herself to be strong.
Niena doesn't want to fall into the same s**t hole twice.
Niena wants to have her people.

Niena feels mixed up over so many things.

Oh ada tetamu. Huh baru nak tido.


Thursday, January 7, 2016

I enjoyed being around people. 
And still do. 
I hate the idea of being alone.
Walking alone especially. 
But now I found my joy sitting alone over a glass of iced hazelnut latte, reading book, thinking, reflecting. 

Petanda dah tua. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

Cerita Kerja #4

Laila sedang leka membaca buku bertajuk "Apabila Muallaf Bertanya" karangan Al-Jufri ketika dia tiba-tiba didatangi seorang lelaki berusia lingkungan 50-an. Lelaki itu terus berjalan ke arah produk-produk buatan Muslim yang ada di kedai itu. Madu-madu yang ada di situ ditelitinya satu persatu. Laila seperti biasa, melemparkan senyuman kepada pelanggannya. Lelaki itu kemudian bersuara

"Adik, madu mana yang asli adik?". Laila segera menjalankan tugasnya dan madu-madu itu diterangnya satu persatu.

"Pakcik tak rasa yang ni asli adik, kalau asli semut tak mai adik", kata pakcik itu. Laila yang agak kehilangan kata-kata menjawab "Oh yeke, saya pun tak pasti, tapi kalau ikut description, katanya asli", balas Laila sambil membelek-belek botol itu.

Pakcik itu meneruskan taklimatnya mengenai madu asli vs madu tak asli. Laila mula berasa tidak selesa tapi hanya mengiyakan sahaja. Kemudian, lelaki itu ke arah kordial rumpai laut yang tersusun di rak itu dan bertanya lagi "Adik, ni untuk apa dik?".

"Errr. entahla. Saya pun tak tahu", balas Laila jujur.

"Mana boleh macam tu adik. Adik tau nii. Saja buat-buat tak tau", pakcik itu meneruskan. Tergamam Laila mendengar jawapan itu. Terasa seperti pakcik tu sengaja hendak mengujinya.

"Betul la pakcik. Saya baru kerja seminggu. Mana la saya hafal lagi semua benda", jawab Laila. Nadanya sedikit tinggi menahan kemarahan.

"Yeke seminggu? Adik bukan adik tauke kedai ke?" pakcik itu meneruskan pertanyaan.

Geram Laila mendengar soalan itu. "Ish suka hati je orang tua ni buat kesimpulan", getusnya dalam hati. "Bukanlah pakcik. Saya pekerja je." balas Laila.

"Ala adik, tak payah lah menipu. Muka adik nampak macam ada share je. Cakap jela betul-betul. Bukan pakcik nak samun pun". pakcik itu menyambung dengan selamba. "Ok ini creepy", Laila bersuara dalam hatinya.

"Lah buat apa saya nak tipu pakcik. Betul lah saya pekerja je. Saya baru kerja masuk seminggu", Laila bersuara tegas.

Tiba-tiba ada seorang pelanggan wanita masuk dan segera Laila berpura-pura melayan pelanggan itu. Sebenarnya sudah lama Laila berdoa di dalam hati supaya Allah menghantar customer untuk Laila escape dari pakcik itu. Dari jauh, Laila memandang pakcik itu. "Ish, orang tua ni nak apa. Kenapa tak balik-balik lagi", gumamnya. Dia tahu pakcik itu hanya berpura-pura mahu membeli tetapi sebenarnya hanya datang untuk mengacau Laila.

Setelah customer wanita itu pergi, pakcik itu berterusan mengacau Laila. Tuhan sahaja yang tahu betapa seramnya Laila ketika itu. Dengan matanya yang memandang 'semacam', Laila berasa sungguh tak selesa. Sudahla mula bertanya soala-soalan pelik. Laila betul-betul rasa tidak tenang.

Tidak lama selepas itu, pakcik itu keluar meninggalkan kedai. Hampa mungkin kerana Laila mula menunjukkan tidak minatnya menjawab soalan-soalan pelik pakcik itu.

Setelah pakcik itu beredar, terus Laila mengeluarkan handphone dari poketnya lalu mengadukan hal itu kepada beberapa orang kawannya. Seperti biasa, si Laila seorang yang tidak boleh memendam. Kalau tak, boleh gila jadinya. Semua kawan-kawan Laila tahu perangainya yang sering menceritakan segalanya kepada mereka. Salah seorang rakannya itu membalas dan Laila berasa sedikit lega selepas itu. Baru sahaja perasaan trauma itu hendak berlalu, pakcik itu muncul lagi. Laila menjadi lebih takut kali ini sebab tiada langsung customer di dalam kedai itu ketika itu. Laila terfikir "jangan jangan dia ni memang usha je, nampak takde orang dia masuk". Fikiran buruknya itu ditepis cepat-cepat.

Pakcik : Adik, kurma ni jual macam mana?

Laila : *bebel-bel menerangkan harga kurma itu satu persatu*

Pakcik : Kurma zaman la (sekarang) ni baguih dah. Dulu mengarut. Depa dok ambik dari Cina.
*kemudian ceramah melayu vs cina nya bermula*

Laila seperti biasa, menyampah sungguh hendak melayan hujah kedai kopi pakcik itu, Kemudian pakcik itu tiba-tiba bercakap tentang hudud. Entah mana pokok pangkalnya.

Pakcik : Adik tau dak pasaipa depa dok tak mau buat hudud? Ingat senang ka nak buat hudud. kalau kita buat hudud ni, lagi senang orang nak rogol orang pompuan. Pasaipa adik tau dak? Pasai kena ada 4 orang saksi. Ingat orang kalau nak rogol orang nak buat kat tempat terbuka ka? Mesti depa cari tempat senyap-senyap nuh. Pulak tu, kalau ada saksi, munafik kita tak kira. Kalau adik kena rogol, adik rasa senang ka orang tu nak kena tangkap?

Laila : Ya Allah, apa pakcik ni merepek Ya Allah. Aku betul-betul rasa tak sedap hati ni. Kenapa dia pandang aku lain macam. *Laila hanya mampu merintih dalam hatinya. Riak wajahnya berpura selamba dan tenang*

Laila buntu mahu respons apa lalu dia meneruskan mesejnya dengan rakannya. Ketika pakcik itu terus membebel mengenai rogol dan sebagainya, Laila hanya menatap skrin telefon sahaja dan sesekali kepalanya diangkat dan mengangguk, berpura bersetuju dengan hujah pakcik creepy itu. Melihat tindakan pakcik itu yang masih belum mendapat signal 'talk to my hand' daripada Laila, Laila bingkas mengorak langkah ke arah buku-buku dan menyusunnya. Sesekali Laila berpura-pura menangkap gambar seolah-olah sibuk melaporkan sesuatu kepada bosnya.

Dengan izin Allah, tidak lama lepas itu, pakcik itu meminta diri. Laila hanya berkata "okay" namun mukanya langsung tidak dipalingkan kepada pakcik itu.

Doanya, semoga Laila tidak akan berjumpa lagi dengan pakcik itu.



Cerita Kerja #3

Penat. Itu sahaja perkataan yang dapat menjelaskan perasaan Laila ketika ini. Mana tidaknya, hari ni Laila terpaksa bekerja overtime. Memang setiap hari Ahad Laila akan menghabiskan masanya di Muaz Bookstrore tu dari pukul 12 tengah hari hinggalah pukul 10.30 malam. Hari ni hari pertama Laila bekerja overtime. Terasa sungguh penatnya.

Selesai sahaja tutup kedai, Laila terus ke arah kereta yang diparkirnya di hadapan kedai itu. Kereta yang kini berusia hampir 2 minggu itu diberi nama 'Katherine'. Enjin Katherine dihidupkan dan Laila segera mengunci pintu keretanya dan menghela nafas panjang. Pinggangnya terasa lenguh sekali. Laila masih tidak menggerakkan keretanya. Kerana terlalu penat jadi Laila mahu menghayati udara sejuk dari aircond Katherine. Apabila terasa sedikit hilang letihnya, Laila bergerak pulang. 

*** 
Menyampah sungguh Laila dengan kerenah sesetengah customer. Hari ni Laila terpaksa melayan seorang customer yang mengada-ngada. Tak kuasa sungguh Laila hendak 'melayan' miang pakcik itu. Katanya hendak membeli buku motivasi untuk pelajar, tapi pelbagai soalan ditanya tentang Laila dengan pandangan yang membuatkan sungguh tidak selesa. Lagi pula dia asyik tersengih macam kerang busuk. Laila menunjukkan tidak minatnya dengan menjawab ala kadar sahaja sambil berpura-pura sibuk menekan nekan mesin casher itu. Teringat Laila pada nasihat Kak Fatimah ketika sesi trainingnya tempoh hari. "Laila kalau ada orang datang lepas tu buat gatal, Laila kena pandai handle. Kadang-kadang memang akan ada customer macam tu. Akak kalau ikutkan, nak tumbuk je tapi kita kena professional. Layan je sampai kalau dah tahan sangat buat-buat busy. Tunjuk kita malas nak layan". Kata-kata itu masih terngiang di kepala Laila ketika berhadapan dengan spesis customer begitu tadi.  

***

Hari ini Laila terpaksa duduk di rumahnya seorang diri kerana semua ahli keluarganya berada di rumah mereka sebuah lagi di Lubuk Buntar. Bukan Laila tidak mahu menyertai mereka, tapi disebabkan kerjanya tamat pada pukul 10.30 malam, risau juga dia hendak memandu seorang diri malam-malam begitu. Tambahan pula, jalan ke Lubuk Buntar itu boleh tahan sunyinya. Jadi, Laila meminta keizinan kedua orang tuanya untuk tidur sahaja di rumah mereka di Taman Sempadan. Walaupun keberatan, ibunya membenarkan jua memikirkan apa yang Laila cakap itu ada logiknya. Lagi pula, esok kerjanya mula pukul 10. Risau juga kalau terbabas tidur, terlambat pula Laila akan sampai ke tempat kerjanya. 




Saturday, January 2, 2016

The earth.
Not only it spins on its axis 24/7, 
It also rotates around the sun. 

Same same. 
Old old. 

Should've realized day has its night.
Hot and cold.
Yes and no. 
In and out. 
Up and down.

Eh, tu macam lagu Katy Perry? Haha

Friday, January 1, 2016

Next


Banyak sangat waiting list aku. Tapi takpe aku kena sabaq sat. Niena, habiskan dulu yang tu. Habis je kau ambik yg ni. Kau janji habiskan yg tu dulu. 

Ok baik.

Cerita Kerja #2

Masuk hari ni, genap seminggu Laila bekerja di Muaz Bookstore. Daripada seorang yang sangat kekok, kini Laila sudah boleh dikira pekerja yang agak cekap. Cuma kalau untuk mendapat gelaran 'employee of the month' tu kiranya masih belum layak.

Hari ni Laila dikunjungi lagi seorang makcik Kelantan. Makcik Kelantan ni umpama 'nightmare' dalam hidup si Laila semenjak dia bekerja di sini. Sebabnya, pada hari kedua Laila bertugas, kira ketika pertama kali mengendalikan tugas fotostat itu, Makcik ni buat 'first appearance' dia. Hari pertama, dek kerana terlalu takut untuk mengendalikan mesin fotostat tu, Laila hanya memberikan jawapan selamba "maaf bang/ akak, mesin rosak". Tapi hari kedua bekerja tu, Laila bertekad, dia mesti jugak belajar. Sebab mahu atau tidak, setiap hari Laila bekerja shift sorang. Jadi takkan la dalam tempoh sebulan bekerja tu Laila hanya mahu terus mengelak daripda mesin 'monster' tu. 

Waktu kemunculan pertama Makcik tu adalah ketika hari kedua bekerja di mana Laila menyahut cabaran dirinya sendiri dengan menerima a copy of 65-pages notes. Paling si Laila ni takut sebenarnya sebab nak buat copy depan belakang. Sebabnya masa pertama kali forostat tu, dek kerana paper jam, Laila telah terkoyakkan sedikit kertas customernya. Sebagai seorang yang perfectionist. Laila sangat membenci dirinya saat itu. Namun, customer itu selamba sahaja menjawab, "oh takpe, takde masalah"

Tapi bila datang orang kedua ni dengan page nya 65, Laila hanya mampu *gulp* tapi dibuatnya juga. Sebab tak mahu overly conscious, Laila pun berkata kepada customernya "err abang, lambat sikit ye, nanti datang balik boleh?". "Ok ok, nanti saya datang balik", balas customer tu. Laila menarik nafas lega. Lalu mesin monster itu pun ditekan tekannya. Lecehnya, bila nak buat depan belakang punya copy ni, kertas kertas itu terpaksa dialihkan satu persatu kerana compartment yang boleh automatic copy itu hanya tahu 'menelan' kertas dan mengoyakkan kertas asalnya sahaja. Jadi  65 kertas itu boleh tahan penatnya. Sewaktu si Laila asyik mem'fotostat' kertas kertas nota lelaki yang disyaki pelajar engineering USM seberang itu, muncullah Makcik Kelantan ni. Masya Allah pot pet dia bersembang itu ini segala mak nenek diceritakannya pada Laila. Sampaikan kisah lelakinya menggatal pun terpasa Laila tadahkan telinganya. Tapi selaku seorang rakyat Malaysia yang mengaplikasikan rukun negara yang kelima, Laila hanya melayan sahaja dan pattern responsnya kepada makcik tu sama sahaja "haah, itu lah kan" dan senyum tawar yang berjaya diselindung daripada pengetahuan Makcik tu. Yang menambahkan lagi geram Laila ialah Makcik itu tidak langsung membeli apa-apa. Kononnya mahu membeli buku Tuan Guru Nik Aziz yang sudah pun diletakkan di kaunter tetapi bila Laila ke kaunter untuk menerima bayaran, tiba-tiba dia berubah fikiran "Eh tak apelah, ngaruk Mokcik ni. Mokcik bukan rajin bace pon. Galok je nok beli". Ohhhoii sabar ajelah Laila ketika itu namun tetap melemparkan senyuman mesra. 

Sampaila tiba tiba kertas jam, dan Laila mula gelabah. Dalam hatinya  digetus "baik Makcik balik sekarang sebelum saya halau" kerana ketika itu tahap keserabutan Laila sudah berada di tahap
maksima. Sudahla panik memikirkan yang customer nya tu boleh muncul bila bila masa sahaja sebab sudah agak lama ditinggalkan kertas notanya dengan Laila. Takkan lah lama macam ni tak siap-siap lagi. Kemudian panik memikirkan yang kertas kertas nota tulisan tangan itu sudah dicampur adukkannya dan Laila tidak tahu, benar-benar buntu macam mana mahu menyusunnya semula. Dan pada masa yang sama geram dengan Makcik tu yang terus menerus bercerita kisah hidupnya pada Laila tanpa menghiraukan hidupnya yang sudah teramat serabut pada ketika itu. 

Kemudian, adik Laila muncul dengan membawa makanan tengah harinya. Sudah menjadi rutin adiknya untuk menghantar lunch yang disediakan ibu Laila setiap hari. Waktu adik Laila muncul itu terus Laila mengabaikan Makcik tu lantas mendapatkan adiknya. "Man tolong akak Man, kertas sangkut ni tapi akak tak reti macam mana nak keluarkan. Akak tak siap fotostat lagi ni. Kejap lagi abang tu dah nak datang ambil. Dahla kertas-kertas ni dah beterabuq akak buat", terang Laila dalam loghat utaranya. Jelas nampak reaksi cemas pada wajah Laila ketika itu. 

Makcik Kelantan tadi mungkin sudah perasan bahawa Laila sudah tiada kuasa melayan story of her life lalu segera meminta diri. Ya Allah, Tuhan sahaja tahu betapa leganya perasaan Laila ketika itu. Sebaik sahaja Makcik itu pulang, kertas yang tersangkut tadi berjaya dikeluarkan oleh adik Laila. Dengan perasaan lega bercampur resah, Laila mula menjadi emosi "Maan, akak tak mau keja dah Man. Akak nak berhenti kerjaa. Man jangan balik lagi. Teman akak sat sampi akak rasa better". Adiknya akur. Tidak lama kemudian, customer tadi muncul untuk  mengambil semula kertas notanya. Sewaktu tu Laila tengah sibuk dan buntu menyusun lantas berterus terang dengan lelaki itu. "Bang, sebenarnya saya dah teraburkan kertas kertas ni. Sekarang saya tak tahu macam mana nak susun balik. Saya mintak maaf. Saya baru kerja sini bang". Abang itu yang muka penuh keliru tetapi selamba berkata "Oh takpa takpa, takdak masalah, kita boleh balik susun balik." Lalu kertas kertas itu diambilnya dan mahu berlalu pergi. Laila yang masih rasa bersalah dan terasa mahu menyumpah dirinya sempat berkata kepada pelanggannya itu sebelum dia pergi "Abang, abang ambik baliklah duit ni. Saya dah teraburkan kertas abang tu". Lelaki itu pantas menjawab "Eh tak payah, takpayah. Benda kecik. Balik ni saya susun balik". 

Laila yang masih tidak senang hati duduk menghela nafas panjang. Terasa masa depannya gelap dan air mata hampir menitis. Kalau lah customer tadi tu perempuan, rasanya memang makian lah hadiahnya. 

Selepas kejadian tempoh hari, Laila menjadi begitu fobia dengan mesin fotostat itu. Namun skill nya sudah dikira improve kalau dibandingkan dengan mula-mula dahulu. Tapi apa yang paling Laila tak boleh lupa ialah kemunculan Makcik Kelantan yang dikira menghuru-harakan hidupnya. 

Dan hari ni, genap seminggu Laila bekerja di situ, Makcik tu muncul lagi. Kali ini dengan cerita kucingnya yang makan mewah. Nasib baiklah tidak lama perbualan kali ini. Tak lama lepas tu, dia meminta diri. Lega.