Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Another entri

Don't know why but I feel so emotional since yesterday. 
Seeing all my good friends graduated. 
And seeing the happy faces of everyone. 
And knowing that on that day nobody will ever try to spoil anyone's mood. 
The day to celebrate, to really, 'share the joy'
Meeting the old committee. That feeling. And even worse, I miss Mira more strongly. 
Kiki, thanks for being such a good friend. 
Congratulations guys. I was so proud seeing everyone in their robe yesterday. 
And foreshadowing my time in 2 years time. 
AUC. 
I love AUC and the people. U guys made my Auckland life. 

*shed tears*

And I'm so not sure where is this going. 
The heart wants what it wants. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Friday, September 18, 2015

future

Future scares me
wonder how my like would be
no more Auckland
no more student life
even if there's no more
won't be the same I know

Looking at the seniors' posts on timeline
They are now teachers
can see myself there in less than 1 year
still not wanting to

I used to be really passionate to teach
Because I thought teaching is just teaching
But knowing the fact that there are many responsibilities awaiting,
I feel scared

But that's the reality of life
Sooner or later I'll face it anyway
It's just that I'm not ready to face it just yet
Knowing that my other people are still 'having fun' continuing their student life

Life goes on

And at the end of it is of course,
Death
which might just come somewhere in between.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

panic attack

Panic attack datang lagi
Bila buat semua benda teringat kerja kerja kerja
Sebenarnya cuti kali ni paling hmm packed mungkin
Dengan practicum nya yang dah ambik masa seminggu
Kalau practicum tu rileks rileks je takpe
Ni boleh tahan tekanan mental
Drama betul
Dengan John nya
Dan Han Ju, dan 3 beradik budak-budak Iraq tu
Tapi semua tu experience
Golden I would say
Can't believe we got the chance to experience teaching English to Speakers of Other Laguages (ESOL)
Literally
As the name implies

And sesak fikir event itu dan ini buat masa semakin mencemburui
Tak Niena, 
Sebenarnya kau rasa masa kau selalu tak cukup sebab kau tak jadi morning person
Aku nak cuba istiqamah lah


Tak sabar nak bercuti dengan kakak-kakak

Penat dah
Rasa exhausted dah nak belajar
Selalu ada moment-moment camni
Selalunya sem dua je mesti rasa camni
Sebab kalau kat Malaysia at least boleh re-energize bila balik rumah jumpa parents
Sini, pandai-pandaila kau cari punca hidup
Sebenarnya kalau iman kau kuat, perasaan malas pun susah nak bertempek.
Iman je problem sebenarnya
Kau tau
Tapi kau buat-buat tak tahu

Satu je aku mintak
Kalau pun aku tak dapat apa yang aku nak dalam hidup ni, sekurang-kurangnya aku nak jadi hambaMu yang Kau pandang dengan penuh rahmat.
Aku nak jadi manusia.
Manusia yang berguna kepada agamaku, masyarakatku, keluarga ku dan orang-orang sekeliling aku. 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Gila

Memang gila betul apa aku buat semalam.
Aku pun tak tahu kenapa aku decide macam tu. 
And surprisingly aku tak kisah apa pun reaction dia. 
Sekurang-kurangnya ada simpulan yang terlerai. 

Aku rasa kan hidup aku ni macam komputer. 
Banyak-banyak folder
Setiap folder file dia lain-lain
Tapi kadang-kadang ada jugak file yg ada copy. Sometimes more than one copies. 
Dia kalau tercampur file ni susah lah sikit.
Susah di kemudian hari, nak cari yg mana kat mana. 
Tapi bezanya, hidup aku ni takleh undo la. 

Aku tak sabar nak bercuti dengan kakak- kakak aku. 
Sebenarnya after semalam, paling besar yang aku rasa is the feeling to be independent. 
Sebab aku ni kalau orang tu aku dah percaya, selesa etc, I will tend to be very dependent to them.
Physically and emotionally.
As in kalau kawan baik aku tu, aku akan jadi macam clingy.
And emotionally of course, akan cerita semua benda kat dia so that dia tahu what I feel each time.
Mungkin aku dah biasa dimanjakan dari kecik. 
Kalau dalam family diorang jarang lah nampak aku ni capable. 
Usually aku akan prove aku punya capability bila bukan dengan family. And then baru diorang percaya. 

Aku yakin perancangan Allah.
Positif niena.